Cruel Fingertips

Cruel Fingertips- a Hotchner/Reid

"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh."

-Leonard Cohen


For Spencer Reid, in the past few days, it had actually hurt to wake up.  In that infernal cemetery, he had lost his last remaining glimmer of childhood. The evidence was forever on his skin and in his blood. Some days, the emotional damage became too massive to hide under Spencer's mask of sanity, and those were the days he cried. Not alone, of course, Hotch had been the empty shoulder every day since the abduction.

Every night he stayed awake with Spencer until he fell asleep, and he stayed up all night if he never did end up closing his eyes. While holding Spencer in his arms, the younger man's slender frame enveloped in his own, he murmured-

"Spencer, you know I love you."

He answered with a distant and weak "Yeah."

Hotch took a deep breath. "That's all I need to know."

Aaron could never want anything more than this. Spencer's once bright eyes had become that one red sock that had been washed so many times that it was barely a recognizable color anymore. All Hotch wanted to do was bring some of the light back in, at least a little bit. As soon as he finished thinking this, a red-eyed Spencer Reid turned around and laid his upper body on top of Hotch, resting his head on Aaron's strong chest.

Aaron ran his hand through Spencer's long hair, which had an obviously comforting effect on him. He began to trail the fingers of his other hand up Reid's arm, slowly running his fingers over his smooth skin until…

Spencer jerked upward and off the bed and into standing and immediately covered his scars with a hand. These track marks were the embodiment of Spencer's ongoing shame about his addiction, and they would be there as long as he lived.

"Spencer, it's okay."

"No, it is NOT okay, Aaron."

"Calm down, Spencer…"

Aaron slowly tried to get closer.  With each movement, Spencer moved back, backing himself into the corner of his bedroom, pulling the sheets off of the bed with him. Aaron reached out his hand in an attempt to calm him down but Spencer soon yelled unexpectedly,

"AARON, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

Aaron attempted to swallow his shock and sadness in one hard gulp, and took in a deep breath while letting a few tears escape from his eyes.  He quickly wiped them and started to back away.

"Okay…I'm-uh…it's…okay…"

Aaron said uncertainly and slowly positioned himself at the opposite edge of the bed. He left Spencer alone, as much as he didn't want to. While he pretended to sleep, he watched painfully as Spencer, huddled in the corner of the room with only bed sheets to cover him, cried with his hands still covering his scars. Aaron would never hold Spencer's panicked, harsh words against him, never be angry, because he had no idea the extent of anguish those tiny scars probably caused. Seeing those bed sheets tear-stained expanse made Hotch's heart beat painfully hard, but he knew how to keep the tears at bay. After a few more tear-streaked moments, the emotional breakdown drained Spencer of so much energy that he finally shuddered into sleep.

Spencer looked, bleary-eyed, at the glaring red number on his alarm clock. 4:03 am. He awoke to find himself in his bed again, under his blankets and sheets as if things were back to normal. He frantically looked for Hotch and soon spotted him directly next to his own thin and sharp ribcage and hipbones. Spencer took in a sigh of relief.  Thank god he hadn't left.

Aaron opened his eyes to the morning light and ran his hand over Spencer's scars once more, picking up where they had left off.  Spencer jolted at first and almost pulled away just as Aaron said-

"I'm glad he didn't... I'm glad I still have you."

Spencer let out a child-like whimper and leaned over him and gave him a gentle kiss. When Spencer opened his eyes he saw Aaron's smile.  Spencer's eyes slowly filled up with tears. As two streamed down his cheeks, he kissed him again, but more passionately. When their lips broke apart, Spencer quietly said-

"You know, for the first time in a while, I'm glad he did too."


"I just don't want to die without a few scars."

-Chuck Palahniuk